8.21.2005
I'm frustrated at all this stuff because I feel like I'm failing.
I'm failing as a daughter because I can't make my mother happy. Well, I could, but only at the cost of my self. She's asking a price I can't pay and then she's hurt because she doesn't believe that I can't.
I'm failing as an artist, where my entire vocation is to show things and ask questions and make people understand, or at least want to know. And in the one case where the truth seems so simple, I keep explaining and talking and trying to make them understand, and I can't quite accept yet that not only do they not understand, they don't want to and they probably never will. It's not just that I can't make people understand, I can't even pique their interest.
I'm failing as a Christian because I'm supposed to be a source of compassion and healing here. I'm supposed to NOT make people hurt. It's not even like I want to save the world here, I only want to help a little piece of it. But every time I do something it seems like someone gets hurt, and if I do anything to help myself it's because I'm selfish and angry and hateful and spiteful. No matter what I try to do I'm being a stumbling block to someone.
The one time that it really matters most, where I should be able to make a difference, nothing I do makes anything better and everything I do to try to protect myself ends up hurting someone else.
It's hard to win this sort of thing.
I feel like I gave up by agreeing to take the Lexapro, even though I honestly don't want to and don't think it's going to help. I already know that it's going to be even harder to be "allowed" to go off the next time, when I get so numb that I can't stand it, because my mom believes that the Zoloft made me "happy" last time. It made me numb and I can't stand the thought that it might happen again.
1 Comments:
Fortunato saith at 9/27/2005 11:15 AM...
Hi, I’m one of Dave’s friends, and he knew I’d appreciate (if such horrible situations as you describe can be “appreciated”) your blog.
It just sucks, doesn’t it?
I’m sorry your mom is more concerned about her own convenience than the quality of her daughter’s life (and I don’t say that to be mean to her, because I think you still love her … since you still allow her to hurt you, rather than just closing yourself off completely.)
You are wrestling with the real meaning of life in your postings -- what it means to be a daughter and a Christian and an artist. The honesty sometimes might feel like poison to you, but don’t quit. I doubt you can anyway, since you are driven to perceive and create…
I actually take anti-anxiety/depression meds (Wellbutrin) myself and was just talking to another friend who started medication recently. As an artist, my big concern was always about getting emotionally flat-lined by medication; I was not willing to take anything that would screw with my sensitivity and make life a numb hell, effectively castrating my creativity. Luckily, Wellbutrin did not do this to me, and the medication my friend takes apparently just scales his mood swings, making him more sensitive and approachable rather than numbing his feelings.
I also have a kid with ADHD and I was concerned and cautious about giving him medication that might stunt his emotional and mental growth/experience, since he’s also very artistic. I was willing to suffer the chaos created by his lack of focus, if we could not find something that made him more productive and alive rather than less…
Whatever they have got you on is not right for you (if anything actually is – everyone is so different). And right now, your mom – however much you love her – is poison. You might not be able to help yourself until you are able to get away from her and put space there. (This is not a matter of rejecting her, it’s simply the only way you can get the room you need to get your strength back and come back to her later.)
I’m rambling now. Anyway, thank you for sharing part of yourself in your posts. You might enjoy a short good book I just discovered – website is at www.adelicatefade.com. The level of introspection, honesty, and doubt-wrestling matches your own...