When I was little-- eight or nine, just before puberty basically-- I held the firm belief that everything useful to know could be found in a book. (Nowadays I'm more likely to believe that it can be at least located via Google, though it may be behind a subscription wall.)

At the same time, I wondered why all the other little girls were always running around talking about wanting "boyfriends." I had boys who were friends, of course, but I wasn't precisely sure why someone would want a "boyfriend." What, exactly, would you do with one that would be different from just having a boy friend, or a girl friend for that matter? Was I missing something here?

So at that age, I sincerely believed that one day, I would receive a book, in the mail perhaps, entitled "How to Have a Boyfriend," that would clear up this mystery for me.

Maybe I'm just gay because my book got lost in the postal system.

I think at this point I could probably use the companion volume, though. Starting with When To Tell If You Can Use The G-Word, 'cause honestly, I can't tell.

My friends will refer to Iris as my "girlfriend," albeit in a joking tone, and tell me I can't look at cute girls anymore because I'm "taken." I'm more along the lines of describing it as "sort of dating," for lack of a better term, even though none of the times we've been together could be really described as a traditional date (...inasmuch as anything lesbians do can really be traditional, I suppose). We've both hung out with each others' friends, and sat around watching movies together. I'm at the point of not worrying too much about the specific terminology, "going with the flow" and whatnot.

I think in a lot of ways, dating Hans was the merest of training wheels when it came to relationships. I'm totally thrown by the simplest things now because it matters now in a way it didn't before. Like, do I call her and see when she's free, or see if she calls me, because I don't want to be stalkery, but I also don't want her to think I'm not interested? Didn't matter with Hans, both because he usually called and because I always had an underlying sense that that relationship wasn't the most important thing ever. Do these jeans make my butt look fat? What if she LIKES fat butts? I told Hans to fuck off if he didn't like what I was wearing, but I really want to look nice to Iris because it matters to me what she thinks (though the available evidence suggests she doesn't have a problem with how I look).

In other words, I'm completely acting like a girl. There goes the "wanting to be a man" part of my mom's Theory of Lesbianism.

I might not get to see her this weekend, because we both have craploads of finals to finish. This makes me sad, because this is the last weekend before winter break and then I won't see her again until January.

I'm hoping to work in a viewing of But I'm a Cheerleader before then, because she hasn't seen it. I will MAKE time, dammit.

Labels: love/sex, Teh Gay