hurting and happy

Well, that should make for a suitably provocative title.

Hurting refers to my throat. I think it's sinus drainage or something similarly prosaic, and it's not particularly debilitating, besides the coughing, the cough-induced headache, and sounding like the Southern female equivalent of Ben Stein on a cigarettes-and-bourbon bender. (Normally I just sound like the Southern female equivalent of Ben Stein.) Mostly I'm downing Luden's Wild Cherry Throat Drops like there's no tomorrow and getting on with things as usual.

Anyway, on to things as usual.

Hans is apparently "in love" with an Italian redhead in his film class who is even shorter than me and likes God of War and other similarly bloody video games. What's really funny about this is how much he protested that he wasn't going for another relationship, he just wanted to play the field and not get tied down... Right, well, that resolve lasted about two weeks. He's such a sap. I was almost surprised at my own reaction to it, but quite honestly I was happy for him. I expected to feel a little jealous or something, but... nope. Nothing. I just feel glad that he's found another "prospect," and genuinely happy at my friend's good luck. It was... odd. (I'm a little peeved that he got a redhead before I did, though.)

As long as he continues to let me play Burnout: Revenge, all will be well between us.

I sort of hope that he doesn't go into Couple Mode too soon, given that just about all of my friends are paired off. Maureen has Mercer, Hans' roommate Paul has his girlfriend Paige, my friend Tom has Teresa... I can really only think of maybe two people I'm friendly with here that aren't currently attached. (For that matter I can only think of two friends I have that aren't heterosexual, and they're both bi males.) It gets sort of depressing seeing yet another Happy Couple™ every time I turn around and everywhere I go.

Mostly it reminds me that I am not part of a Happy Couple™ and not likely to be anytime soon, and if I chance to find anyone amenable to relieving said condition, it would have to be a guilty underground relationship because of my parents' ultimatum about not "financially supporting" a "lifestyle" they "disagree with," which translates to "dare to date anyone but fully be-penised manly men, and you can forget about having a family, much less the rest of your college funding."

It's something my mom brought up on the drive back to Terabil: "Maybe... maybe you're not meant to be married. God makes some people to be single. Maybe you're meant to be single."

I think it was a stretch for her because it meant she would even give up all her hopes and preconceptions about my getting heterosexually married and wife-and-mothering my own perfect suburban nuclear family (white picket fence not included) if I would just not end up with another woman. That, at least, was sort of impressive. At least she wouldn't be pissy that I'm not spawning.

I don't think she was best pleased when I told her that I'd thought about that scenario, and I honestly didn't think I was cut out for the celibacy business, and I definitely didn't want to marry a man. (Then she brought up Adam and Steve and I think I quit listening.)

Thing is, people with "the gift of celibacy," as it's called, actually have the capacity to deal with life without a partner. Some people really are set up that way and it would be as ill-advised to make them marry as it would to make someone not set up that way try to hack it alone. Me, I can only deal with singleness with the consoling mindset that it's not a forever thing. When I consider that I might have to be alone and unpartnered for the whole of my life, it's... well, depressing, to say the least. Hell, it's depressing to think that barring a miraculous change of heart on my parents' part I'm going to have to spend at least the next two years as a prospectless singleton.

Things are made for people to do in pairs. Free vacations come with tickets for two. Restaurant booths default to tables for two. Ever noticed how hard it is to walk in groups of three? Someone always ends up weaving around the lampposts and falling behind the other two because the sidewalk isn't wide enough. There's a reason that they're called "smug marrieds," and it's because the world is arranged to suit them.

I feel a little left out sometimes. A little envious. Lonely, mostly.

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thus saith Liadan at 10:59 PM

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous saith at 9/27/2005 1:41 AM...  

Dude, i'm too lazy to log in.

I'm glad Hans found someone. You will too! You'll see! If only I lived there, right?

-Elizabeth

Anonymous Eucharis saith at 9/27/2005 2:25 PM...  

'if I chance to find anyone amenable to relieving said condition, it would have to be a guilty underground relationship because of my parents' ultimatum about not "financially supporting" a "lifestyle" they "disagree with," which translates to "dare to date anyone but fully be-penised manly men, and you can forget about having a family, much less the rest of your college funding."'

Reading that makes me want to cry. It's so horrible. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's an amazing testimony to your capacity for love, and specifically your love for your family despite their hateful, evil actions that you still want to have a relationship with them. I think I would have said "FUCK YOU" and turned my back a long, long time ago.

You are the better person here, and in the end you'll be proved the better Christian. I just hope you don't have to wait until judgement day for your family to realize this and embrace you.

(Assholes.)

Anonymous Anonymous saith at 9/27/2005 9:05 PM...  

If i thought you two wouldn't kill each other, I'd try to set you up with my sister...but then again, no. Just no.

By the way, I want a really groovy psuedonym. Crimson or Violet or something.

Blogger Fortunato saith at 9/28/2005 9:28 AM...  

Rather off-topic: Where'd you get the name Liadan?

The only place I have seen it before was from Guy Gavriel Kay's "The Wandering Fire" (I think), where Kevin (I think) temporarily becomes Liadan's incarnation.

Probably one of the most moving passages I think I've ever read, anywhere and anytime.

Anonymous Eucharis saith at 9/28/2005 11:47 AM...  

My husband said to tell you that you're welcome to move to Victoria and go to UVic and sleep in our hammock/papasan chair/sofa bed!

Blogger Liadan saith at 9/28/2005 1:50 PM...  

Liadan came from daire.org's list of Celtic names.

I've seen GGK's stuff on bookshelves but never read any of it; is it any good? (Granted, I read Wheel of Time so my standards for "good" are negotiable.)

Blogger Fortunato saith at 9/29/2005 10:00 AM...  

Kay's stuff is excellent, depending on your preference in writing style.

An artsy person with more appreciation for the ebb and flow of language will enjoy it more than a “tech-head” sci-fi person would. Whereas Jordan (I think) buries the reader under lots of outer details and facts (as a techie would, when describing his world), Kay is more concerned about the inner journey and the relationships among the characters, and his prose is very fluid and beautiful.

Especially after he finished the Fionovar Tapestry series, he has tended towards “realistic fantasy” –more cultural in nature, with elements of fantasy, but the fantasy aspects are there for flavor rather than the focus of what’s going on.

Tigana, is probably his best original work (aside from the Tolkien-and Arthurian-influenced Fionavar stuff), and I would recommend it to anyone, no matter their normal choice of reading material.

And I think you would probably connect with something in the first part of the book, as it explores the relationship (and disappointments) between a man and his homosexual son.

Since it's an old title (from back in the 80's), you could probably find a copy cheap online somewhere.

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