My birthday was recently, and I just got my present from Iris today (it's a stuffed animal that she made herself-- one of her hobbies is sewing plushies). I was squeefully posting about it on my livejournal, taking pictures of it sitting on my head and everything, and basically proclaiming it the Most Adorable Thing Ever (which it totally is, I've already named it and everything) and blathering to anyone online about how completely awesome my girlfriend is.

Only I can't pick it up and show it to all my family members because (a) it has little rainbow wings, and that would freak out my mom and (b) they'd wonder who it came from and I might have to Explain Things if questions got too detailed. And that would be the end of the happy and the beginning of another round of "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

One of the things I've noticed lately is that the more I spontaneously smile when I'm thinking about Iris or something she said or a goofy picture she posted somewhere, the sadder I am that I can't share that with my family. I've had to do it a lot-- closing the door or waiting until my family members are asleep or out of the house when I'm talking to her on the phone, or even talking about her to other people-- because the fact is that my obvious giddiness would raise uncomfortable questions, and those never end well. It's an odd sort of tension when happiness is an occasion for sadness.

It always makes me wonder if there will be a breaking point where I'll have to choose between loving a woman and having my family love me. The longer that the whole issue languishes in a sort of denial zone, where it's just the thing that nobody talks about, the fuzzier it gets. Sometimes I think that it's just the time that my parents need to get used to the idea, and maybe they'll eventually come around and, you know, not kick me out of the family.

It would be nice if I could really believe that.

I'm always envious (ooh, deadly sin!) of people with accepting families. Iris' family are all liberal hippie types, so they didn't care one way or another. Sorcha's dad once said he would be glad if both his daughters were lesbians (well, one out of two ain't bad). Hans' mom has practically adopted me as her lesbian daughter, for that matter. A few other gay or bi friends have accepting parents that they don't have to hide their rainbows or t-shirts or significant others from. The more I see the way things can be, the more disappointed I get that it doesn't look like that can or will happen for me.

Labels: family, Teh Gay